SEPTEMBER 2006
HIRING AND MARRYING:SOME SURPRISING PARALLELS
By Tony Mulkern
When a new executive is hired, coworkers often speak of the “honeymoon” period with the CEO or boss. During this time, it seems the new executive can do no wrong in the eyes of the CEO, the new hire is delighted to have such a supportive boss, and both are thrilled at the wonderful choice they have made and the possibilities that await them. Everyone else knows this time of near ecstatic harmony will be short-lived, and then the disappointments and disagreements will set in. In too many cases, the situation goes from “honeymoon” to “divorce” in a short time.
In fact, a 2005 survey from Execunet showed that executives on average change jobs every 2.8 years and that executive turnover is at an all-time high. The findings also show that 18% of new executive hires do not complete one year on the job and that 77% say they are planning to leave their jobs in the next six months. With over 20 years of working with privately held, firms, my observation is that the statistics are even more dismal—and expensive--among entrepreneurial companies. What exactly can we do about this?
It turns out the metaphor of marriage can be a very revealing one for understanding what is going on and ultimately for finding solutions, as there are a number of other ways in which the hiring relationship resembles the matrimonial. Consider these parallels:
- The stakes are very high. It is said that the three greatest, timeless issues over which humans come into conflict are money, power, and sex. All three, it may be argued, are at stake in marriage. While the third is not (or should not be) present as an issue in the employment arena, the first two are of enormous concern in the executive arena.
- Self concept is at stake as well. Just as a divorce or tumultuous marriage can have a damaging effect on self-concept or self-esteem, failure to make the right executive or job selection can lead to feelings of incompetence, humiliation, self-doubt or guilt on both sides.
- Interdependence can be very threatening. Entrepreneurs and high performing executives pride themselves on their individual achievements and capacity to master their own destinies. Yet the essence of executive leadership is building great teams, all of whose members need each other. It is rather like two independent and hard-headed individuals who decide to build a life together and find after the wedding how really different they are.
- Failure can shape one’s life negatively forever after. Just as divorce can terrify some people of ever loving and trusting again, one executive we worked with refused to hire the expertise he needed for significant growth because one trusted manager in the past had stolen some of his intellectual property, resulting in a nasty lawsuit.
- Once “infatuation” takes over, there is no reasoning. We all know of the young, headstrong couple who are so “in love” that they will listen to no amount of advice regarding how the odds are against their succeeding in marriage. Likewise, some CEOs seem to make up their minds about whom they want to hire quickly, if not impulsively, and cannot be dissuaded by cooler minds. Too often, subsequent events show they displayed over confidence in their own intuitions.
- Some people seemed doomed to make the same mistake over and over. It is said that 80% of divorces are produced by 20% of the people who get married. They remarry and divorce multiple times, driving up the statistics. Likewise, some entrepreneurs and CEOs seem to have consistently poor luck in their hiring.
If any of this applies to you or your firm, or you simply want to ensure successful executive hiring, consider the following corrective tactics:
Play the field before tying the knot. Too often, executive hiring is done in desperation, increasing the tendency to see what we want to see in an immediately available candidate. One executive recruiting firm even prides itself on presenting only one candidate per opening, on the basis of their allegedly superior capacity to make just the right match. Unless you also believe in arranged marriages and that someone else knows your firm’s and your needs better than you, find another recruiter.
Have a long courtship. If you allow yourself to become enamored of the first candidate who looks good, it is easy to fast forward the tedious process of background and reference checking or to dismiss the subtle warning signals that too often in retrospect look like Threat Level Red. Be especially wary of those with only two or three years in a number of positions with outstanding companies. There is often a reason you will not like to hear.
Accept that the real deal will look a lot different after “the honeymoon.” What you see in the interview is the best the candidate will ever look to you, and vice versa. Be prepared for a sobering dose of reality and some disillusionment on both sides. This is when the test of commitment begins, and you will need to call upon every resource of leadership at your command.
Be prepared to undergo change. Significant relationships require us to adapt, and the employer/employee one is no different. It is widely recognized that the larger social system of the company will change the new individual, but that system must also adapt to the new member who becomes a part. This is a predictable consequence of hiring someone of unique talents, background, experiences, and accomplishments. Accept the need for compromise, adjustments, and unforeseen sacrifices if you are to benefit from this uniqueness.
Be prepared for doubts. Did I make the wrong choice? Is my life—or business—ruined? Should I end it now and have the decision “annulled” or hurry up and get this person “off the bus?” As in marriage, if these kinds of questions do not arise regarding a new executive hire, you have not really begun to engage the person in a vigorous and open way. Accept the doubts as normal, and figure out how to make the situation productive.
Do not rely on traditional “Conflict Resolution” and “Communication Skills” to make the relationship work. One accomplished expert on saving and improving marriages, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., has found that in the most successful and enduring marriages the main issues over which the couples fight are never resolved. Their secret is the respect they demonstrate for each other and the capacity to “fight fairly,” that is without making it personal and destructive. My observations of long-term, successful executive relationships is similar. These executives learn to navigate around their irresolvable, different perspectives, without threats, putdowns, or temper tantrums, while valuing each other’s contributions and unique brilliance.
Seek outside help before a difficult situation becomes hopeless. The counterpart of the marriage counselor is the executive coach to bridge gaps and overcome disconnects. Initial 90-day plans and Executive Launch programs can also help to clarify expectations and to increase the odds of success from the start. Contact us if this is of interest.
If you are “jilted,” don’t engage in excessive self-blame. The conventional wisdom among psychotherapists is that if you are victimized in a bad marriage, you are partly to blame because you chose that person. However, this sometimes makes as much sense as saying you are partly to blame if you became sickened by e-coli from infected spinach before the FDA warning came out. After all, you picked out the package! No matter how much due diligence we perform, we often do not and cannot fully see what we are getting—in colleagues, spouses, or vegetables.
If you are disappointed over and over, get some expert advice and help on your hiring criteria and on your executive management styles and practices.
Finally, if things don’t work out, don’t take it too personally—it isn't really marriage, after all. Keep your objectivity, and do not expect “till death do us part.” If someone really damages you, as in the case of intellectual property theft, the greatest damage of all is the one you can do to yourself, if you let this keep you from taking the necessary risks to grow and thrive.
Your Comments?
Please e-mail your thoughts using our contact form.
Copyright, Mulkern Associates, 2006
|
